The Realization

So it's been awhile since I've updated but I've had loads to think about during that time.

We are all updated in BG, so we're back to waiting now.

So...what I'm about to say may seem a little rude. I don't mean to offend anyone or upset anyone, but being that this is my blog I should be able to say what I want. Correction, I will say what I want.

International Adoption sucks. No I don't mean the principle. No I don't mean the idea. I mean the actual execution of adopting. I don't mean this post to criticize governments or be a Debbie Downer. I simply want people to know the reality. It ain't pretty. If you can read this and still feel led to adopt internationally then I think you've had a "God calling" as such.

You should also know that I am not addressing this to those who have been unable to get pregnant and have adopted internationally by choice after going through a horrendous diagnosis. I DO NOT and WILL NOT pretend to have any idea how you feel/felt. The following is not for you and I would advise that you stop reading now.

Now that I am done with all the disclaimers, (occupational hazard of being an attorneys wife) we can move on.

1. The Pre-Adoption process

From the home study, to waiting for USCIS approval, from updating medicals and FBI clearance letters to fingerprinting. The "pre-process" of international adoption is ridiculous. Garry and I joke (but we're really actually serious) that everyone who gives birth should be required to complete the same requirements as those who adopt. I bet a million bucks people would be thinking twice about having babies.
-Provide all health insurance information: 800,000 people down
-Provide all life insurance information: 600,000 people down
-Provide background checks from every state and country that you have resided in for more than 6 months- 700,000 people down
-Provide your household budget as well as all monetary holdings: 500,000 down
You get my point. Filing out paperwork vs birth control. Which is easier? and cheaper?

2. The Waiting

Waiting is a pain in the butt. We all know this. You never hear someone say in an enthusiastic voice, "I can wait to go the Hawaii!!!!!!"
As Americans, in particular, we've grown up in a society of instant gratification. And although we "A"types complain about our governments efficiency, compared to the foreign governments of those countries, we're smooth as butter and they're like trying to rub nuts on toast.
Basically we get everything in what? 10-12 weeks. I would like a passport. That will be 10-12 weeks. I would like a FBI clearance letter please. That will be 10-12 weeks.
Foreign adoption is NOT, I mean NOT like this. To get something in 10-12 weeks is like raising Lazarus from the dead. It rarely happens. It took 4 months for us to get translated and registered with the country last year!
Garry and I have known half a dozen people or more, just in our church, who have started and completed domestic adoptions within 6-9 months. No seriously, I have girlfriend that got a kid after being registered for a month! I should say that none of them have had issues with birth mothers or dead-beat dads coming out of the wood work. What we always supposed about domestic adoption is not true. We met with a guy from church who handles all the dom. adoptions for this area. He told us we could easily have a child in less than a year.
However, we didn't want to go down the baby route again. My youngest had colic until 16 months and still doesn't sleep. Enough said on that.
He said the likelihood of getting a 12 month old or even a 2 year old was far-fetched.
Not to mention we have felt drawn to BG for a long time. It's not something that you just give up on because the road gets rough, and winding, and steep, and curvy, and holey (Is that a word?)

We still know we belong to this.

3. Trust (Faith)

I recently told my social worker, who is all-incompassingly encouraging, that I had complete trust in her and our agency. I know we made the right choice as far as that goes.
I also told her that I had faith that God has obviously brought us to this place to teach us something and that He will eventually deliver.
I did, however, tell her that I DID NOT trust the BGs.  I have no reason to. They've given me no reason to. I don't know them. We've not friends that hang out at the local pub together. All I know is that foreign governments (all of them) change their minds like shoes. One day, you will be guaranteed that you will have a referral in 18-24 months. The very next day, you will be told to be prepared to raise that to 24-36 months. One day you're told that referrals are given based on compatibility with the adoptive parents and that how long you've been "registered" doesn't matter as much. The next day you're told that if you haven't been registered for at least 18 months then you will not get a referral. Shoes. Lots and lots of shoes.

What I find hard to believe is that there is not a single child in all of Bulgaria's orphanages that fits our sex and age range, as well as ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the special needs that we are open to. We're open to so many that USCIS couldn't print it on the approval letter.

Let me just say this. I know what some of you are thinking. It's not all about you. No, it's not. It's the fact that these kids are sitting day-in and day-out in these boxes with no one to love or care for them. So I apologize if I get a little worked-up. Bad girl! Why would you ever get ticked off about that.

I'm not just speaking on behalf of myself. I'm speaking on behalf of ALL those families that have entered this process voluntarily.

Also, be nice to your agency. Usually they have no control of what goes on 12 hours away. Imagine that. They're just the messenger. Don't kill the messenger.

4. Misinformation

We were told, by someone other than our agency personnel, at the beginning of this process that if we moved while trying to adopt that it would be a huge headache. They basically said, you're stuck until this happens. And lets face it..Memphis is not a place you want to be stuck. Ever. So we've been contemplating a move, now that Garry is on his own and can go where he pleases. We've been looking at two cities in particular and considered building houses in those cities (just one city, not in both) but never took another step because we were under the impression that a move would cripple our attempts to adopt and move us directly the bottom of the pile. Well, that's not true. So now we're here for another year.
This is partly our fault because we didn't get a second opinion. ALWAYS get a second opinion! An important life lesson. Right up there with "Brush your teeth" and "wash your clothes".

I feel now like a weight has been lifted. We don't have to put our lives on hold anymore. We were stuck and now we're not. Amen to that.

Little baby steps. Tiny little baby steps.

To sum-up. International adoption is not for the faint of heart. It better be something you're 100% sure about before you even begin.